I took SonHerisme to our little outdoor stage by the creek behind the downtown library a few weekends ago. He happily ate an enchilada (meant to be a quesadilla, but the woman couldn’t understand me over the phone through my mask with the loud background of humans and music), some little chocolates from my handbag, and a shared piece of pizza with a buddy. I ate my vegetarian pumpkin bolognese (sans spinach! haha!) on tumeric rice before I left home because I never ever know how my body is going to react to life. We sat with a few hundred other community members and tourists to watch the Fire Dancers perform by the creek. One of the performers is a well-known substitute teacher in our local private schools, who is also famous for her hula-hooping. Small towns, whatcha gonna do? They all have their amazingly fun, diverse, quirky little art communities, and I love ours. Everyone kind of kept their distance for the most part from each other, and we were outside. A very few amount of people wore their masks. SonHerisme and I wore our masks when everyone was sat watching the show.

This was a teensy moment in our teensy lives which filled me with an instant glow of warmth for the everything of everything in knowing that the everything is also the nothing.

While we were sitting there: births happened, deaths happened, bombing happened, drinks happened, torture happened, parties happened, sex happened, travel happened, cooking happened, eating happened, dancing happened… all of the things of the global humans were happening at the same time we were focused on the fire dancer at the creek with our masks on with friends and community – and ultimately none of it matters to anyone who is not in those specific moments. Occasionally even then it barely registers with those in the experience, after the experience. Being liberal, conservative, gay, tall, queer, short, beautiful, ugly, able-bodied, trans, employed, homeless, talented, clever, ultimately means nothing in these life moments. Had perfect grades? Perfect attendance? Top sales? Highest bonus? None of that means anything other than you had some privilege combined with support and a lot of luck – which may or may not pan out as contentment/success/health or some other measure of whatever you were achieving. All of these narratives are basically a crapshoot towards something. Towards life as it is.

I may be repeating myself with the entire de-Nihilism thoughts.

Also, I continue to not know if I am making sense.

Here’s the thing: ParentsHerisme’s plan for what will happen to them as their health declines is that I should decide how to handle it. FatherHerisme is struggling with another infection combined with cognitive decline. MotherHerisme continues with her ulceration struggles, with support from the ultimate coven at Georgetown (MGUH much?). ParentsHerisme’s plan for their finances, estate settlement upon death etc is that I should decide how to handle it. People of the Internets… I am daunted, and most likely in need of a Fleabag priest with a pocketful of absolutions x3000 for the confidences. And by that I mean the lack thereof.

I am imagining what our country, our communities, our homes, our families will look like over the next 20 years as these boomers become ill and transition out of this existence. By then I will most certainly be the olden lady doing all of the yogas in the woods with my trusty dog companion and *fingers crossed* that in-ground heated saltwater swimming pool next to the cabana with composting toilet, outdoor shower, and barrel sauna… *dreams away into another cup of tea*

In reality, I see a heinous boomer legacy of disregard for humanity whose consequences will be brutally felt by GenX/Millenials as GenZ+ mature and discover just how disgustingly slimey the general white patriarchal boomer footprint has been on this country and the world.

Harsh? Yes indeed. Do I love ParentsHerisme anyway? Yes I do. They were systematically fed and brainwashed throughout their lives. By the time the structures were falling in a manner which effected them, they have been in too much shock to see truths through the gaslighting. And, frankly, the guilt is too much for them to bear. So they retreat into their privileged safety of fear-based moral superiority. FatherHerisme will no longer watch his once beloved programs on earth sciences because in his words (prior to recent cognitive decline), “they’re just trying to make me feel awful for existing and I don’t agree with that.”

*sigh*

Ironically, any mistakes made by the rest of us have an expectation that once we know better (which we should’ve known in the first place), we should do better (of course, after being shamed and blamed). Which makes me think that on the occasion when I can no longer hold my tongue with MotherHerisme, I imagine that I too must be diving into the shame and blame as my anger surfaces over things like Trumpcultianism and all of the ramifications of that horrific debacle, climate, education, economics, health care, etc…

Recent firey Examples:
1. Your generation and younger are so angry and resentful all of the time because you are the first generations to expect to get things without working for them
2. I cannot go to the doctor I want to go to because my insurance changed because of Obama-care
3. Why do I have to pay so much for my bills when people on welfare get brand new iphones to stand on the street corner and use
4. With Obama-care no one over the age of 75 is allowed to get treatment anymore - they aren't worth it and are put on a death list to just die
5. Your father isn't even listening to me on Facetime, so why should I bother to call him anymore
6. These women just want to be famous otherwise why would they come out of the woodwork years and years later, out of nowhere, and just start accusing these hard working family men of rape
7. I have earned everything I have. I have worked hard for it all and now everyone just wants to take it away and give it to people who don't even try
etc etc etc  

Multiple times each day I can hold myself back, not engage the crazy ingrained gaslit brainwashing, and keep my focus on the core love of it all. Other times, not so much. Like the fire dancers twirling all of the fires about, always balancing the fires, trying their best to look competent, courageous, interesting, skirting spiritual at times, and fun… mostly never getting burned, but that takes a helluvahlotta damn sweaty twisty bendy practice.

Love, Ms. Herisme (internal fire dancer) xoxo

Abortion is health care. You don’t want people to have access to this health care? Stop male reproductive organs from ejaculating sperm inside of female reproductive organs. Forced vasectomy much? Provide top quality equitable access female reproductive organ health care, including abortion as needed, based on the person’s decisions about their health with their health care provider. Universal health care much? And now you know how I feel about the shitty state of the current SCOTUS Ridiculosis dangerous disgusting news.

And on that note, I hope that you all are doing as well as you can be out there. I believe in you!