My teeny tiny sweet little puffin bear turned 12 y’all.
Stats: 5’8″ and 1/2 (growing every single day), 145 lbs, braces on the upper teeth (green), shaggy light brown COVID19 hair, sparkly light brown golden eyes, and super adorbs handsome
He is healthy. He is safe. He is a good person. We are both blessed (and freaking lucky!).
This upcoming week is going to be another tough one in building resilience for my little man-boy.
We are expected at SonHerisme’s therapist’s office on Thursday afternoon for him to accept a phone call from MrexH. (backstory link)
This has been looming for some time. At this point, SonHerisme just wants it over. I am in agreement.
5 years, 10 months, 1 week, 5 days
70 months, 1 week, 5 days
… have passed since SonHerisme and MrexH have had direct contact, other than a few birthday cards.
I try to absolve myself of any responsibility for the lack of contact. While it is true that I advocated for what I thought was best for SonHerisme’s safety and well-being, ultimately I have followed every advice and guidance from lawyers, the court and therapists, regardless of my own instincts (self preservation, y’all). It is difficult for me to parse out truth sometimes (thanks abuse and ptsd), so I do heavily rely upon trusted experts to figure out what I should be doing. I am slow even with clear instructions, but I get there eventually (insert anxiety, insomnia, crying, vomiting, paralyzing disassociation) (also, don’t be jealous).
Then guilt sets in.
Maybe I didn’t do enough.
Maybe I did too much.
Maybe I should have more forgiveness and grace in my heart.
Maybe I am the ill one. Maybe I am a narcissist.
Maybe I misread situations.
Maybe, maybe, maybe
Then I have to cycle myself through the copious paperwork outlining the actual events which lead to the separation and my fierce protection of SonHerisme.
This process is a painful redundant meticulous fact recall to fill my conscious brain with reality instead of my perfected projection spin. (note: I also anthropomorphize everything, so this is alas, a known super ingrained powerful pattern of mine. Imagination and creativity = YAY! Except when it isn’t). This is in addition to current facts which include that MrexH’s entire family shut SonHerisme out of their lives as well when he was 6 years old. They have the same amount of hours in their day to reach out, and they all choose not to.
Thus runs my cycle (again, don’t be jealous).
Maybe this cycling stops at some point and I will be free. There is not any evidence of that just yet. Although I suspect the cycle runs through a bit quicker now that I have been doing this as a practice for years plus months plus days plus hours plus minutes plus seconds, now.
This will be a hard week. SonHerimse has been asking when he can say, “no,” for himself about contact with MrexH because it is all a painful wound reopening every time we visit the topic.
Please send some peace to SonHerisme. Please send bubbles of protection and courage for his sweet sensitive heart.
Love, Ms Herisme xoxo
ps. I’ve sent MrexH 235 court ordered weekly progress reports on SonHerisme to date