Shame and Blame Game

helping-others-quotes-no-one-is-useless-in-this-world-who-lightens-the-burdens-of-another

 

I am responsible to and for myself

 

Wow

 

Taking this from a shame and blame perspective into an empowering movement or lifestyle for oneself, is difficult.

 

If you are already feeling like you cannot make good decisions, and cannot define who or what you are, how do you embrace this in a healthy manner?

 

It reminds me a bit of

G-d will only give you what you can handle

These challenges are the universe speaking to you and sending you valuable lessons

When a door is closed, a window opens

Take a break, you deserve it

 

I am not sure that I am swallowing any of it.

I do feel that we have a certain responsibility to ourselves and each other.

I think that the ‘each other’ part might be more important.

Especially if you are depressed, or have ptsd, or facing some horrid situation in life.

 

I know the analogy of putting on your oxygen mask first on the airplane, so that you can help others, because if you do not, there’s a good chance both of you will asphyxiate.  I see this as taking care of ‘each other’ too – it’s the motivation for putting on your mask, so that you can help others.

 

When you are moving through a tragedy (death of a loved one, abuse, severe illness, loss of lifestyle etc), you can find yourself in a place where you truly cannot see your value beyond taking the next breath or the next step or changing the next diaper, preparing the next meal.

You just go on, because life goes on.

You go on because other people are depending on you to go on, or clean the bathroom, or cook the food, or show up to the soccer game.

You are doing those things because of a responsibility to others. 

 

I believe in a loving G-d, universal spirit of connectedness.  G-d doesn’t give you anything to handle, nor does he take away based on what you can handle.

Suffering is an earthly condition, made so by the very experience of being alive.

If I accepted that tragedies were handed out based on G-d’s will or decision to put us to the test, I would likewise have to accept that all positive things were handed out at G-d’s will.

How can it be that G-d wills a child to be repeatedly raped and live in poverty, just to see what they can handle…  How can it be that G-d wills a violent powerful person to live a life of extreme luxury…

 

I do believe that we can take our lives experiences and learn from them, no matter how tragic.

I do not believe that the universe is sending those awful experiences to force us to learn, and will keep sending them until we learn our lesson (Whatever the f those lessons are).

This implies that one is deserving of whatever tragedy has befallen on them.  Cancer, abuse, hurricane, death of a loved one, famine, abandonment, etc.  Perhaps you can learn how to take your pain and educate others.

This gives you coping skills for your pain, not a learned lesson which then eliminates your pain or prevents other tragedies from happening in your life.

 

If life were simple enough that we could have the ability to close a door and open a window in order to move beyond trauma, we would all readily step in and open windows all over the place for our family, friends, community in crisis.

Sometimes there is no window, and the door won’t shut, and that is just that.

Every divorce with an abusive spouse and children involved, is a perfect example of no window and the door never shuts.  I

t doesn’t matter how positive a spin you put on the situation, you and your children are forced to be connected with that abuser.

There is no happy rainbow unicorn softly-clouded window opening.

Supportive community is what holds you up in this tragic room.

 

It is lovely to be able to have time and where-with-all to afford therapy, yoga classes, tai-chi group, massages, manicures, pedicures, and I do not begrudge anyone’s ability to engage in those pleasures.  If you have the opportunity, I fully support you doing all of these things and more!

They are good for your body, mind, and soul.

In return, they can be a re-charge for you to be better able to support others in your life.

However, I do not believe that anyone ‘deserves’ these things. 

You get to enjoy them because you choose to use resources that way, and it works for you.  Looking at the other side of deserving these things, it seems that then people who do not engage, are undeserving.  Or, that sometimes people deserve the opposite treatment – like being abused.

I do not believe that.

I also do not believe that the reason someone is able to afford weeks at luxury hotels and spas is because they deserve it more than someone else.  They allocate the resources available to them.  Nobody deserves to be abused, nobody deserves to be pampered. We are born where we are, in the time we are, completely by circumstance.

The ability to decide how we support each other through whatever we are faced with in our lives, if we are blessed with that ability, is what we deserve.

 

Why do we insist on explaining trauma away, rather than focusing on supporting each other and facing it together?

That is the only way to move through the experience and be healthy and able to support the next person.  You need support to be able to move through your trauma.  Your support might be family, friends, therapist, social worker, priest, AA sponsor, etc

Whomever it is, you need it.

When someone we know is experiencing a trauma, we become that support for them. 

It’s the only way. 

 

Trauma and tragedy happen every day in our lives.  Grace and miracles happen every day in our lives.  They cannot exist without each other.  Let’s not try to explain it as a part of some grand learning plan, let’s help each other live it.

 

Ugh – this whole post smacks of the shame and blame game too. {{{hugs}}}

Love, Ms. Herisme xo

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