Disposable Emotions

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Parent/Teacher conferences happened last week at SonHerisme’s school.

This is one of the very, very extremely, limited times parents are permitted to see inside their children’s classroom, or the inside of the school environment at all.

Our school has very exacting leadership.  A militant Montessori, some might say.

The school is the domain of children and teachers, where families and parents are not permitted or included.

The conferences are strictly scheduled in 15 minute increments, twice per school year.  During two scheduled weeks during the school year, 20 minute opportunities to observe your child’s classroom are offered, but only to one parent at a time, and only if you secure the time slot before the other 100 or so parents.  There is also a 15 minute opportunity to join in your child’s classroom for their Walk-Around-the-Sun (Montessori birthday celebration).

Why are we still there? 

The teachers and parent community are unusually wonderful at this school.  I helped to build the school, as a founder.  While I am not on the same page with the leadership of the school, I am not currently in a position to help facilitate change, and the broader community of the school has been indispensable to us.

Also, despite having a horrific introduction into formal schooling (we were homeschooling prior to attending school), I was not in a position to even move SonHerisme into a different classroom.  My every move and breath was being questioned and picked apart by my attorney, SonHerisme’s attorney, and MrexH’s seemingly never-ending series of attorneys (each of whom firmly believed they were going to catch me doing or being something awful, so that they could vie for MrexH’s position with the court system – because that makes TOTAL SENSE when you are looking at a mentally ill person threatening to kill his family, with a history of abuse…yup, totally).

Anywho, the school leadership blatantly told me that, if asked by an attorney, therapist or social worker, they would not support my request to remove my child from the destructive abusive classroom situation he was in, or to change his school environment.  The school leadership’s position was that I would be harming SonHerisme’s education if I chose to school him differently. The school leadership is considered an expert on the subject of my child’s education, not me.  This felt like a threat to our safety.

The school leadership described me to SonHerisme’s attorney as an “over-protective” “hypervigilant” mother…  UM, YES because MrexH wants to KILL us, perhaps…?

This communication between SonHerisme’s attorney and the school leadership cost me countless sleepless nights, loss of trust in the leadership, and probably close to $1000 in attorney’s fees to explain myself – never mind the hours of my time in communications with those attorneys, our therapists etc, that most assuredly took my time AWAY from a confused and hurting SonHerisme who just desperately needed my presence and assurances.

The school environment we entered had an entirely unprepared incompetent teacher and was rampant with extremely poor  aggressive violent behaviors and bullying.  Most of the 30 children that were in that classroom 2014-2015, are still trying to normalize and catch up to their peers – even the half of the class that removed their children due to this horrific school situation.

While that particular teacher was not permitted to return to the school the following school year, the damage was done.  And I remained confined by the threats of attorneys and the attitude of the school leadership, to keep my child in that environment.

Those of you reading this and thinking, “This would never happen to my child!  Unacceptable!  I would pull my child out of there in a heartbeat and give them a piece of my mind!”

Be my guest. 

Walk my path.

(but holy bejeezus, I hope NOT) 

Have multiple attorneys threaten you with the safety and well-being of your child.

One threat: to send some stranger, in a van, to your home to physically remove your ptsd anxiety ridden child, and force your child to spend time with his abusive clinically psychotic father (who wants to murder SonHerisme and Herisme), if you make any questionable decisions or moves.  You know, because it turns out that, according to attorneys and potentially the court, it’s probably ME that had the problem – you know because of my anxiety about MrexH, and I am too overprotective and hypervigilant.  Yeah, that was the REAL problem here…

Anyone want to revisit the misogynistic bullying culture of outrage discussion?

Good times.

And so, you move those feelings to somewhere else (dissociation much?), and wake up in the morning to take your screaming crying frightened child into, what you KNOW, is an abusive school situation, and you leave him there because you’re fairly certain no one is going to murder him in a public Montessori school with a tough-as-nails, protective school secretary, watching the front door.

The unknown social worker in the van transporting your child to his psychotic abusive father is what you are avoiding.

Once that teacher was not invited back to the school for the 2015-2016 school year, new teachers arrived, and a new school secretary (the previous secretary made an extra effort to introduce SonHerisme to the new secretary and let him know that the new secretary knew how to keep him safe too.  I truly appreciated that!).  The school leadership divided that classroom of children into smaller groups, so that they could have a chance to normalize into the environment.

So far, so good, in terms of the classroom dynamics shifting and allowing education and positive learning to take place.  Of course, this is only as far as I can tell from observing my child outside of school, as no parent is permitted inside, except on the occasions listed above.

However, the recovery is taking extra time for us because not only did we have to move through the tragedies of our home environment, but also the severe tragedy of an abusive school environment 2014-2015, as well.

Which brings me back to the school conference, now that there is context for what comes next.

The consistent and patient teacher SonHerisme is in his second year with (multiage Montessori classrooms, he has not been held back), shared with me that SonHerisme confided he was worried sometimes at night because his dad wants to kill him.

Holy Fduck (D-)

At a follow-up meeting about extra educational support for SonHerisme, his teacher shared that SonHerisme told his peers in a classroom discussion about sad things in everyone’s lives, that his dad wants to, and tried to, kill him.

Holy Fduck (D-)

When the class discussion moved on to how to deal with the saddnesses, SonHerisme’s response was, “you just forget about it.”

Disposable emotions

Dissociation

Or, SonHerisme is growing, changing, and starting to forget somethings and remember other things in a different, maturing way.

I hope that my lessons to SonHerisme are not that the primary processing of emotions includes dismissing them, disposing them.

I want him to be able to acknowledge emotions,

process them,

move successfully and healthily through the strongest of them,

to live his long, healthy, full, fulfilling and safe life.

Maybe I am too good at dissociation and disposing of my own emotions to know how to guide him through this.

Thank G-d, and the generosity of SonHerisme’s therapist,

his therapy continues weekly.

Obvs I need to be in therapy – which takes private insurance – which takes money – which takes an income – which requires employment.

In time.  I feel that I will get there.

In the meantime, thank you all for your patience.

If you know me irl and know our school, please be kind in your judgements of them and of me.  Challenging extremely unpleasant circumstances tend to bring out the worst in everybody.

Love, Ms. Herisme xo

ps. yes, it continues to be difficult for me as an adult to process what has occurred.  I cannot imagine how these situations have formulated SonHerisme’s young little being. *spirals into worry*

Madame/Madman President

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I awakened last Wednesday morning, as most of us did, a little shaken by the outcome of our presidential election.  Not primarily because of the WHO, but primarily due to the deluge of outrage.

 

Did we really have NO IDEA that our country was poised to make a bad choice?

 

Did we really have NO IDEA that a significant segment of our country is fundamentally misogynistic, bigoted, racist, power-hungry?

 

Did we really have NO IDEA that either way the election turned out, about half of us were going to spiral into outrage, and the other half into bloating gloaters?

 

REALLY?

 

C’mon people.

 

Have you spoken to your neighbors?

Have you reached out to the lady next to you in carline?

Have you volunteered at your local domestic violence shelter or homeless shelter?

Have you, or anyone you have ever known, been a victim of domestic violence?

Have you ever known someone who has tried to separate or divorce from a domestic violence/abuse situation?  With children?

 

If you have been in an abusive relationship, tried to divorce or separate, and have children, then you know what to do now.

 

You know how to handle this situation, because you have dealt with it before.

Power and control,

through bullying, misogyny,

bigoted/racist speech –

been there, done that.

 

Our courts condone this type of behavior every single bojingle jangle day.  Ask around, we’ll tell you all about the reality behind the curtain of American Happy.

 

We have already worked through our outrage, shock and dismay at realizing the truth of our culture.  We are all sorry that the rest of you are just now being smacked in the face with it on a grand and public scale.

 

We know what to do next, and it isn’t “move to Canada!”

 

This is what you do.  Do what you CAN do.

 

I can prepare breakfast.  I can make healthy choices to fight my cancer.  I can work with attorneys/therapists to keep us safe and healthy.  I can inform myself about local, national, and global issues.

Talk to your neighbors with respect and compassion.  Talk to your family with respect and compassion.  Take care of your family.  Take care of your neighbors.  Turn your frustration into informed action and spread love all around yourself.

Inform yourself about what is happening socially and politically in your community.

Hold your communities’ elected officials to their commitment to represent you.  Volunteer for a community committee.  Thank those who serve on community committees.  Know your Congress people.  Know your Senators.  Know what they stand for and communicate with them about what you stand for.

 

Engage.  Empower.  Encourage.

 

We’re in this place together.

 

If we continue to turn our cheeks, spew rhetoric, or close our eyes and our ears, this, THIS, THIS is what happens.

 

Dear Adults, we NEED to do better.

 

Know your community.  Respect each other.

 

Know more and make better decisions with that new knowledge.

 

You are important, not more important that anyone else, and you are loved.

 

Love, Ms. Herisme xoxo

‘A’ is for Attention

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Attention!  Attention!

 

Attenzioni!  Attenzioni!

 

Achtung! Achtung!

 

Mind the Gap and so forth.

 

Karmic disclaimer: This post is not here to invoke unwanted connection or attention.                     This is an expression of exasperation and disgust.

 

I wanted to title this, “A is for Abandonment.”  Then I thought, MY G-D, WHEN will I STOP sounding so sour and dour and gloomy doomy? Blech yuck blah UGH

 

My life is one of mostly comforts and the love of a sweet SonHerisme.  And, despite the current political tensions, we are poised in a country of overall general comforts, the likes of which have never been experienced in the history of mankind.

 

Yes, my family loves me and supports me.  We are supremely blessed and I am unimaginably grateful.  I live in a time and country of possibilities.

 

Here is what is weighing on me – a shackle that I seem unable to displace.  Perhaps I am not meant to displace it.  Perhaps I am meant to carry it for this lifetime, for whatever reason.

 

MrexH’s family has, for undefined reasons, chosen to abandon SonHerisme.

 

It is so painful. 

 

Not just the loss, but the utter lack of communication or contact for SonHerisme, who is unable to understand the ridiculousness and arbitrary selfish behaviors of adults.  Especially from those whom he loves and have professed to love him.

 

I understand that this is perhaps because they believe that I am the most horrid and awful human to have ever walked on earth.  Some days I believe that myself.

 

However, given that maybe I am a horrid awful terrible person, my G-D, wouldn’t you want to make sure that the young child I am taking care of, is okay?  Wouldn’t you want to send him a reminder that you are thinking about him and sending him your love?  Not even a damned f’in birthday card, people…  NOTHING

 

The last contact SonHerisme had with anyone from MrexH’s family, was in November 2014, when they came into town, unannounced, to attend one of MrexH’s trials.  They telephoned me and requested to see SonHerisme. I agreed.  They hugged him and promised him they would keep in touch with him.  They never have.

 

MrexH’s sister suggested that she bring SonHerisme’s cousins for a visit in the Summer of 2014.  They never came, they never wrote or explained, they never have.

 

Over the Summer of 2014, MrexH’s sister and mother, sent SonHerisme a generic birthday card, with their signatures only.  SonHerisme was turning 6-years-old.

 

Since that time, nothing.

 

There are a thousand explanations. 

And there is NO explanation.

 

Every once in a while, SonHerisme wonders aloud about his absent cousins, his absent grandparents, his absent uncles (one has since deceased), and all of the other relatives from MrexH’s family.

All of them *POOF* disappeared from his life without regard or explanation.

 

To bring you up to speed, or as a reminder, currently:

There is court-ordered ‘no contact’ between SonHerisme and MrexH, for safety and health reasons.

I send weekly updates about SonHerisme to MrexH (cc: attorneys & representative from MrexH’s residential facility).

We have a court-ordered BIA (until April 2017) who represents SonHerisme legally.

We have a court-ordered parent coordinator who facilitates any contact between MrexH and SonHerisme (to date there has been no physical contact since early September 2014).

(and, YES, this all costs me $$$$$$$)

 

July of 2016, our court-ordered parent coordinator, believed (based on information from MrexH – completely unreliable since he has a severe mental illness, yet that is what we have to go on) she might be able to arrange contact between MrexH’s family and SonHerisme, and told both SonHerisme, and me, about this potential.

This has never happened.

 

This is a deep pain in my soul – knowing that this group of people have somehow been able to rationalize absolutely smashing and abandoning my child’s heart.

 

That they are able to do this,

reinforces that they are all unsafe and unhealthy people for us.

 

I currently cannot imagine a scenario where I could be convinced that any reintroduction to any of them, would be healthy or safe for us.

 

SonHerisme has other cousins, other grandparents, a broad community of support.  They love him, and demonstrate their love for him consistently.

My prayer is that, other than possible curiosity as an adult,

SonHerisme will have enough in his life that this utter abandonment does not leave permanent holes,

just informational scars.

 

Love, Ms. Herisme xo

 

ps. I do have thoughts on the political climate to post in the next day or so {hugs} all around