Eyeballs

August 24, 2016August 25, 2016 / herismeorg / 1 Comment

“Eyeballs” is a funny word to say.

Say, “eyeballs,” ten times in a row.

It IS weird to hear, isn’t it?

Now you will want to avoid saying, “eyeballs,” for at least a week.

Check this truth off of your bucket list.

Goofball eyeballs

Recently I was invited to a friend’s home for a little get together (all ladies, with kids – don’t get too excited). When I arrived, it turned out that the party was mixed company, gender obvious-wise. It also turned out that a few attendees were noticeably single, myself included.

Eeek!

This creep freaked me out. Not because I might attract unwanted attention (middle aged, unemployed, and looking it over here), but more so because I just cannot even make eye contact in general with people that I do not know (unless they are children, or very very young adults, or very very old adults, or service industry people).

I am just that super uncomfortable.

I send my deep apologies to anyone and everyone who may encounter me and think that I am wholly not interested in recognizing you as another human needing human connection.

My soul recognizes and acknowledges you, but my eyeballs are not yet prepared.

Maybe trauma made my eyeballs goofy.

Thank you for your patience.

Love, Ms Herisme xo

‘Aint’ aint a word…

July 19, 2016 / herismeorg / Leave a comment

I have had many awesome work colleagues throughout the years. Most of whom should be richly rewarded for having worked with me so gracefully (I put in ‘good karma’ points for all of you!).

One colleague in particular comes to mind these days. She of humble infinite wisdom – although I believe she would accept the ‘humble’ part, I feel sure that she would ascribe her ‘wisdom’ to anything other than herself. But, she IS so wise. She knows what to say, and just when to say it. Even if you do not want to hear it, she confidently speaks what you need to hear anyway, and in such a way that you are thankful to receive the message.

I have been fortunate to know one other person like this in my life. They are both from an intersecting life place. They both know each other. They are both women . Their similarities end about there. One of them is very practical and pragmatic, the other is far more spiritual and mystical with her messages.

It is the practical woman who has been on my mind.

When I would bemoan some seemingly critical work decision/process/event etc to her, while trying to place my appropriate political chess pieces on the work board to best suit my group/employee/department, this woman would patiently listen to me. And she really listened: eye contact, nodding, asking reflective questions.

At one of these moments, when I was seeking her advice,

she replied, “You know, aint none of us getting out of this one alive, so you go ahead and make the best decision you can today.”

That has been a truth bomb for me.

Aint none of us getting out of this one alive – do the best you can today

Which then leads me to thinking about what is happening with mass shootings, bombings, trolls, outrage memes, and the extreme ridicule of our political system.

I know that some of the extremism is coming from a place of ideology supported after-life rewards. I know that some of the extremism is coming from a place of fear and hate. I know that some of the extremism is coming from a place of comfort with debasement due to anonymity.

Doesn’t it seem odd to you that in the thousands of years of modern human development, we continue to miss the mark in understanding and nurturing a way of communication beyond a fear-based disenfranchised model?

Or, perhaps, as humans, the “fight or flight” instinct is too strong for us to move beyond.

Don’t hate me – or, do hate me… whatevs… Isn’t it alarming that here we sit with all of our insights into science, space, human emotion, power of love and positive thinking, and yet we continue to be subject to very base instincts? I am not suggesting that becoming emotionless robots is the answer. I am suggesting that having the ability to live by “aint none of us getting out of this one alive – do the best you can today” mentality is the complete opposite of shame and blame fear mongering, and I am wondering why we have not made more strides towards better understanding, better nurturing, better support, better respect, better acceptance and better love.

Can collective humans even do that?

Does it truly begin by loving your family and friends?

Love, Ms Herisme xo

ps. I am well aware of the irony that I am not using my birth certificate name on this blog

Feet Bar

July 13, 2016July 13, 2016 / herismeorg / 1 Comment

My sweet little bear is quickly becoming a sweet middle bear on his way to being a sweet big bear.

Through the precious months and years while he was learning to speak, he referred to himself as, “Momma, I you feet bar” = “Mommy, I am your sweet bear.”

So sweet.

So gentle.

So darling and delicious, just like all of our sweet babes.

And, like all of our sweet babies, he is growing up in this world, in this country, in this state, at this time in history.

All times in history have had their challenges, I am aware of that. But, I am not handing over the walking talking embodiment of my heart and soul to those times. I fought to bring this person into this world at this time.

Now is the time I dig deeper into the explanations of how and why others, and potentially he, will be treated very differently from others. I have to explain about privilege and discrimination, hate and fear.

My son is mixed race.

I am not. I am white, white, white, Northern European, pale fleshy white lady of whiteness.

When I was growing up, I prayed that I would wake up as a Native American with long glossy straight black hair, proud posture, magnificent history. I prayed that I would wake up so Jewish that I could speak fluent Hebrew and dream about wearing a tight scarf on my head. I prayed that I would wake up Italian, African American, Hungarian, Russian, really anything with deep rich cultural history, languages and traditions.

When I was growing up, my grandparents were very racist, classist and bigoted.

My father (their son-in-law), made it a high priority that we children all understood the evils of racism, classism, and discrimination of any kind.

I grew up believing that my generation was an enlightened one – one that believed, truly believed and lived the belief, that all HUMANS are created equal and they are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights, and among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Yet, during my adult professional life, I have been professionally chastised for interviewing “those sorts of people,” for positions considered prominent and customer service oriented. It took me hours to figure out that I was being told not to interview anyone who wasn’t white-skinned. It took my perplexed confiding in a very patient dark-skinned woman, whom I admired, and her willingness to endure and enlighten my naïve altruistic soul. Once she said the words, “You’re being told not to interview black people. That is how Gayle operates. She is a good businesswoman and knows that if you put a black person in those positions, we will lose business. That’s the reality of this area and these customers. But, she isn’t allowed to say that you can’t hire black people, so she refers to us as ‘those people,’ which stops the lawsuits because that could mean anything”

This incident was in our country, not that long ago.

FOR REALSIES

WTeverlovin’F

The recent publicized incidents in the national news, are horrid grim reminders that outside of my little bubble existence, racism and discrimination, are rampant.

Having lived in, and traveled to, a few places around the world, I have been witness to modern-day slavery as well as cultural/economic/racial/religious discrimination. All of it is disgusting and horrific. In my world of Montessori school, karate lessons, swimming at the lake, and square foot gardening with my beautiful, mixed-race, light brown-haired, white-skinned boy, it is so easy to pretend that none of this exists in my world.

The real horror is in recognizing that all of these things do exist in my world, and as an unengaged bystander, I am a huge part of the problem.

And so begins the discussions with Mr8, so that he is aware and engaged. His buddies come in all colors, all religions, all genders…

We have to turn that learned

deep rooted fearful awful human evil lure to be

CRUEL

into

Compassion, Respect, Understanding, Empathy, Love.

Love, Ms. Herisme xo

Every Day

July 5, 2016 / herismeorg / 1 Comment

When I drive past the overly thin man relentlessly walking the streets downtown with his backpack and uncomfortable smile on, my stomach turns and my heart breaks for you.

When I walk past the local mission service house with desperate people loitering outside, my stomach turns and my heart breaks for you.

When I park in front of the therapist’s office, next to one of your series of attorneys’ offices, surrounded by housing for people on permanent mental illness disability, standing in their doorways, staring at cars and people or off into vacant space, my stomach turns for you and my heart breaks for you.

When I am faced with the reality of our son’s lacking education as a result of your bad behavior, my stomach turns for him and my heart breaks for him.

When I am staring at my financial reality as a result of my misplaced trust in you, my stomach turns for our son and me, and my heart breaks for our son and me.

Yet, every day I awaken with a new sense of hope for our son’s and my future.

Every day, I am able to see grace and beauty and potential.

Every day, I can feel our son and myself getting stronger and more confident.

Every day, I am blessed with being surrounded by the support of my family, friends and surrounding communities.

Every day, I wonder at the miracles and tragedies all around us.

Every day, I am grateful for all of the little moments of happiness,hard work, and challenges.

Even on days when I wonder how we can possibly get through any of this, I am grateful. Painfully heartbroken and sad, but grateful.

Because all of these things mean that we are alive and full of love.

This is an amazing, strange, weird, awesome life.

I pray that all of us can do this gift some justice.

Love, Ms Herisme xo

MisTweeted & Identity Crisis

June 28, 2016June 28, 2016 / herismeorg / Leave a comment

You Guys

I am having a complete identity crisis.

As revealed earlier today (in a private tele convo, so you are just hearing about it now, unless it was you I was speaking to), I could hardly tell when I was having fun in a situation until I was probably 30. This factoid might enlighten you as a precursor to my current crisis.

I am calling it a crisis, because defining/redefining myself is having a HUGE impact on my ability to function. Wait, maybe that’s the indicator for needing professional intervention. Anywho, it is what I am currently experiencing.

I am unemployed

I am existing solely as a caretaker for my son

I do not have a profitable passion

I am not sure that I have any passion

I am not even sure if I like the tea that I am drinking

And now, after a few weeks of Twitter silence, the Pakistanis have returned to insult me.

Not really me, of course, because they do not know me. They think I am some old male controversial Pakistani political celebrity elder statesman kind of person.

I have been ignoring them for months.

Typically what happens is that a Pakistani tweets something ‘@’ ing me, thinking they are connecting with the politician man. Then someone else retweets, someone else adds comments and retweets, and their friends retweet and their friends retweet and so on. For a few years, I would even be tweeted by news outlets as if I were this Pakistani man of political influence.

Yes, this has been going on for years.

Yes, I know that I can change my twitter handle.

Are you still with me?

For a long time, I used these ‘@’ tweets as my own personal entertainment. Not to mock the feelings of the people tweeting their passionate political views, but more so to challenge myself to find tongue-in-cheek ways of responding that I clearly am not the person the tweet is intended for.

I would reply to the individuals who started the threads, and enlighten them that they were tweeting the wrong person on the wrong continent/time zone/interest level etc.

Then Brooke Shields did that Funny or Die with “Check yourself before you wreck yourself.” I added that as a hashtag to most of my replies when I was mistweeted (poor mistweeted me!).

For example (handles changed to generic @soandso’s for them, and @me for me – words otherwise copied exactly as tweeted)

A Pakistani tweets:

@soandso @soandso @soandso He @soandso has also started rat race of inducting men loyal to him rather then party like @me

I tweet:

@soandso @soandso @ soandso @soandso it’s MY party and I can cry if I want to #wrongsoandso #checkyourself #beesrbuzzin

If the ‘@’ tweets turned scary or inappropriate, I carefully went through the threads and blocked the tweeters. Sometimes this would take me days (500+ re-tweets).

After a few years, there was a tipping point where it seemed like most people recognized that I am clearly not a controversial Pakistani elder statesman.

One time, maybe three years ago, some men that I corrected in a mistweeted thread, even sent me notes back with some Insha’Allah’s, and a prayer.

On a few occasions I have included women’s advocacy links in my responses – where it seemed appropriate.

My family are all terrified that I am now on some government watch list. Whatevs. Maybe they can figure out who I am and report back.

A very few times on twitter, I have also been mistaken for a Canadian museum society. Unfortunately, I do not speak or read French, so my potentially amusing responses really failed here.

The point is, I do not know what the hell I am doing.

I am not even clear on who I am.

Obviously, though, I am not a Pakistani elder statesman or a Canadian museum society. So there’s that then.

THIS is what PTSD does. This is what abuse does.

Take good care of yourself and your neighbors.

Love, Ms. Herisme xo

I (don’t) Have Mail

June 16, 2016 / herismeorg / 1 Comment

My mailbox was broken

I am not sure what happened. But, it looked like someone had to have parked and left their car in order to pull the entire top off of the mailbox, and throw it to the ground.

Kids being kids – right? Driving on a rural road and smashing mailboxes.

Except, mine was the only mailbox destroyed on my street.

So, maybe a wacky neighbor or still some kids who were worried about getting caught, so they left before they could do any more damage.

Maybe

Or, maybe it’s a sign from Mr exH that he is getting bolder and preparing to come back and murder us, as he said he would.

Or, maybe, it’s my friend’s estranged and mentally unstable husband, who I saw yesterday evening in a parking lot and refused to respond to with conversation, because he too is scary as hell right now.

This is my life.

Where I want to brush off the mailbox as the windy storm last night, kids, or wacky neighbors with bad behavior etc. I cannot afford the luxury of ending my conversation about the mailbox there.

I want to. I really truly very much wish that I could.

But, for now, I will sit in my house, listening alertly to every creak, with my alarm system on, doors and windows locked, driveway alert on (I have a long driveway, and the alert gives me time to peek out the window and call 911 if needed), and talk myself through all of the triggers the sad broken mailbox has effortlessly resurfaced.

The patrol officer thinks it might have been the storm. But, even he was unsure how a storm could lift just the top of only MY mailbox off.

This is my life.

I’d rather be in Italy eating watermelon and picking out potential originating countries of tourists as they pass by. You?

Score, again, for disassociation!

Love, Ms Herisme xo

How to Make a Safety Plan

June 6, 2016June 6, 2016 / herismeorg / 5 Comments

First rule of Safety Planning:

If you believe that you (or a loved one) are in immediate danger –

forget the safety plan

CALL 911

go to a room with a quick escape

or, make yourself into a very small ball and cover your head with your arms

If you are not in immediate danger, or if the danger has momentarily passed (and you are alive and able to physically function), take advantage of the “down time” or potential “honeymoon phase” in the cycle of abuse, and make your safety plan.

Even if you do not feel like it or you are scared.

MAKE YOUR SAFETY PLAN

If you are witness to a loved one in an abusive situation, help them with their safety plan. Being abused is very stressful and confusing, which makes it hard to concentrate on more than basic survival skills. Be patient with us. Be gentle with us. Do not allow us to forget that you care.

Help us MAKE OUR SAFETY PLAN

Stash Some Cash

No matter how short or long-term the plan is for extricating from an abusive situation, you are going to want some cash for gasoline, food, and possibly a hotel room. The important part of this step is to make sure that you have some cash (not credit card, not in a bank account, not checks – actual physical cash).

Hide the cash away for yourself in a location or with a very trusted person, known only to you. If you need ideas on where to hide cash, message me and I will help you.

Copy Everything

Get copies of all important documents

All Driver’s Licenses of any driver in the home

All Passports of anyone in the home

All Social Security Cards of anyone in the home

All Birth Certificates of anyone in the home

Passwords for computers/Wi-Fi/Phones/accounts etc

All joint and individual Credit Cards (front and back)

Recent Bank statements

Recent Tax Returns

Recent Mortgage statement

Recent Investment Accounts (including retirement accounts)

Recent Credit Card Statements

Recent Utility bills

Doctor/Dentist/Pediatrician/Therapist/School/Attorney information

Medications of anyone in the home (take photos of the labels)

List of medical conditions of anyone in the home

List of Emergency Contacts (extended family, trusted friends, etc)

Pet information

You can earnestly begin making a “Home Management Binder” to begin collecting this information into one location. It’s useful to have it together in case of any emergency (not just a safety plan for an abusive situation). If you cannot gather all of this information, start at the top of the list and work your way down through what is easily available and important to you.

Pack a Bag

Be very careful. If an abuser gets a “heads up” that you might be preparing to leave, this may escalate the abuse into a very dangerous situation. When the abuser is not around, find a small bag and pack some essentials, just in case you need to make a quick get-away.

Clothes and toiletries for a few days for each person fleeing (you and possibly children) plus important document copies from above

A comfort thing for each child (small stuffed toy, little blanket)

Know Where to Go

Map out where you might go (Domestic Violence shelter, trusted friend, trusted family member, etc)

Prepare an emergency email (if your account is absolutely secure) to send to trusted family and friends, which includes why you left the home and how they may contact you.

Write down your Safety Plan and give a copy to your trusted friend/pastor/family member/therapist.

Do NOT immediately disclose your location when you leave. Even trusted family and friends will have a difficult time through this situation, and may inadvertently compromise your safety by trying to “help,” you. Especially if they are not witness to the abuse (frequently they are not), or do not understand the cycle of abuse. They may encounter the abuser in their contrite, charming, reformed phase of abuse and believe them to be safe.

The abuser is NOT a safe person.

The abuser will NEVER be a safe person for you.

NEVER EVER

Think of it this way. If you had any control over the abuser and their actions, then they would not be abusing you – right? No one would choose to be abused (I’m not talking about consensual role playing). An abuser will always be abusive to you, it’s just a matter of degree. That is your relationship with them – abuser and victim. If you are looking for a different kind of relationship, you need to find a different person to have it with. Likewise, if you want your abuser to stop abusing you, you have to leave and allow them to find a different relationship where they might have the potential to not be abusive.

With you, they are ALWAYS going to be the abuser.

ALWAYS.

Don’t worry if you cannot accept this last bit. I have many days where I still have to remind myself of that hard truth. That is another whole post though, dear reader.

So I’ll leave you with this:

Safety Plan

Call 911 if in immediate danger

Stash some Cash

Copy Everything

Pack a Bag

Know Where to Go

Take good care of you. The whole world is counting on it!

Love, Ms. Herisme xo

I am not a credentialed expert. I am speaking about this through my own, and others I know, personal experiences. Please call the National Domestic Violence hotline, or your local Domestic Violence Shelter for more information. For other Safety Plan information, click here.