Well, y’all, I tried.
I am trying still.
But, however, anywho, etc
I do believe that this COVID19 physical distancing has me serpentining, not pivoting.
This is a s-l-o-w motion re-examination of everything for all of us – unless you are a frontline worker, in which case we seriously owe you all this time for you as well. I feel that I owe it to you to take my serpentine work seriously while you are doing the difficult work of keeping us alive. You are working so very hard and I am cheering you from my privileged sequestering selfdom. I need to do more. Not more. I need to do better work.
As a full time single parent to a sweet 11 SonHerisme and caretaker for my live-in ill mother, I do have full days, and sometimes nights. SonHerisme does need school support (he would like more than I currently offer). MotherHerisme needs some physical support along with bandage changes and medication monitoring (she no longer does any self care outside of toileting and showering, and occasionally needs support there as well).
My divorce was final in April 2016 and by December 2016 my mother was unwell and decided to stay with me to get treatment. MotherHerisme is very intense with her emotional and physical needs = my ability to unpack, process and move forward from my terrifying divorce ordeal, never had a chance to fully happen. I am typically super disassociated anyway, making it very likely that I might not have processed regardless. Whatever. Who knows?
Being at home now and forced to face my own self, this unpacking might be what is happening now. I am not sure. Continuing my therapy with my somatic therapist online was offered to me, but I just have not felt sure or comfortable with pursuing that for some reason which has yet to reveal itself to me. It seems as if it might have something to do with fear – fear of what? I do not know.
Based on the suggestion from a dear Inveterate Optimist friend, I have revisited unpacking myself through re-examination of my immediate environment. Purging some things. Packing away other things. Gifting away more things (ciao Collin Robinson-esque Fiction!). This is happening in between the caregiving, cooking, cleaning, keeping-the-people-in-this-house-aliving, as well as making masks for a local nonprofit who then redistributes them to local agencies in need (hospital, police, Dr offices etc), and also making masks for friends and their sweet families.
I am not pivoting.
I am serpentining through the things that need acknowledged and around the things that I no longer need to acknowledge or carry.
I am trying.
This is hard.
This is a hard time for all of us.
I wish I could have done this a long time ago. Being alone is hard. Lonely is one very difficult thing to experience. Being alone is another heavy layer.
What I am trying to say is that work of fiction is not going to happen. I’ll write something, but not that thing. I am unpacking it, keeping the important bits, purging the remainder. Please accept my apologies if you were interested in hearing that tale. I can send a synopsis to you if you’d like, and then perhaps you could write that story.
I am aware that there is another story that I have to tell.
It is difficult.
I’ll get there (*fingers and pinky toes crossed*).
What are you doing over there? Keep healthy and safe!
Love, Ms Herisme xoxo