Today is one of those days.

MotherHerisme awakened vociferously anger sobbing at us for about an hour because she was too cold.

I did the doing of the things.

SonHerisme is full of the puberties.

An email arrived from the parenting coordinator‘s office. It is lengthy with many questions and tasks for me to follow-up on … again.

This kind of thing sucks the life out of me. I mean, all of it except for SonHerisme, which is to be expected.

MotherHerisme is a bottomless pit of needs without regard for anything outside of those needs.

MrexH is a bottomless pit of needs without regard for anything outside of those needs.

Today is a day of beauty and sunshine and more seed starting.

Today is also a day of shit that I do not want.

Today is a day that I wish I had something a little extra supportive to help me through this hard stuff, but I do not.

I know that all of this is temporary and will pass and my ego attachment to whatever, is feeding the pain I feel. But, y’all, I am tired.

I am tired of the managing.

I am tired of the figuring outing.

I am tired of the fight every single damn day.

I am tired of efforting.

This is an uncomfortable reckoning with my reality which is what it is.

5 hours until I can reasonably go to bed. 5 more hours. I’ll get to doing the things again for 5 more hours.

Was it Susan Sontag who said, “seduce myself with hope” ? That’s what I do when I sleep, I suppose then it comes back to kick my ass in the day. I want to stop this.

I hope that you are having a better day than this. If you are not, I hope that you have some extra support to tap into. If not, then I hope that you have 5 hours or less until you can reasonably go to bed too. If not, then know I am here sending you a zillion hugs of solidarity because this crap sucks all the stupid dumb dumb head stupid.

Even my heart sounds like it is s-l-o-w-l-y thump kathump kathumping through resistant sludge against its own will.

Love, Ms Herisme xoxo

ps do not ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever fuck or get pregnant by a gaslighting asshole EVER EVER EVER or, make sure you have a shit ton of healthy support you can draw upon if you do.

also, do everything you can to push yourself and figure out who you are before 25/30ish no matter how ridiculous, terrifying or embarrassing, just do it all. Don’t be a me. It is very hard and I one million out of 10 do NOT recommend it. Do not correct my maths please and thank you. Waffles

One more thing – I am so whatever I am that instead of chai, I have been drinking lavender chamomile tea all afternoon. Tea fail too *sigh*